Women Who Love Priests
From Stacy (click link)
Originally when I sat down to write this, I didn't know how it was going to read. For many this will seem like a teenage like crush. However, at my age, with a divorce now behind me I feel that I know the difference between love and infatuation. So here it is:
I met this Priest when some years ago when he was assigned as the new Pastor of our Parish at a church in the Northwest. He was in his 50's, tall, balding and thin. I was in my mid 40's, married with children in the Parish school. The day I was introduced to him in the office was so monumental to me you would have thought that time stood still.It certainly seemed to and I had an immediate sense of 'uh-oh this is trouble'. The physical attraction to him was strong it was undeniable.It felt like a magnet. I was simply drawn to him like no other man I have ever known. However, that same introduction was so unremarkable to him that he never ever even knew my name. All he knew was that I had children in the school. Because the attraction to him was so strong I did my best to stay away from him. I began attending a Parish nearby where I knew I would not accidentally run into him. That denial on my part worked out well as I could secretly love him while not ever confronting the pain of not being able to be with him. Over the years, I had many interactions with him at the church and school and got to know and love the person that he is/was. He was a remarkable man who seemed much younger than his years.Occasionally I would attend one of the church functions and would see him. These were usually large gatherings of the parish where he would go from table to table talking with parishioners. What I noticed is that when he was talking to a young, attractive woman say under 40 his eyes would light up. He seemed to have an enormous amount of sexual energy. But if I saw him interact with a man or an older woman, he had an interested but not sexual look in his eyes. This watching him went on for years. I think I would have been content for this to go on forever.
When he announced that he was being transferred I was shocked. I immediately wondered what he had done wrong to deserve this. But for whatever reason, it seemed to be a routine transfer(if there is such a thing) and off he went several months later to another parish. Only then did I tell him how much I had loved him.By then my kids were older, my marriage crumbling and I was questioning the wisdom of having run away all those years. He responded by saying that other women had fallen in love with him and he just didn't know how to handle it.I felt that this was an honest and fair response. Later when he returned for a visit to the parish he completely avoided seeing me while visiting with virtually every one else in the parish.However for his part, I will say that he never did or said anything that could have been misconstrued. Unrequited love is the oldest story of all or maybe I simply wasn't _________ pretty, rich, sexy(insert word there) enough to be his friend.
Though I am still in contact with him, the letters are few and far between now. He is busy with his new life and I have tried to move on also. Though I have loved him for years my feelings certainly have not died. If they ever allow priests to marry and he is interested in me I would abandon all my children, job and community to be with him. I suspect that he is unhappy in his new Parish as this is a large parish with several priests and he is now subordinate to someone else.I read once that if you ever find yourself loving a priest to run not walk away from that situation. I agree that it is painful...and worth it? Probably not. I think it is probably true that we don't get to chose who we love in life because I would never have chosen this!
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Here’s my story. This priest and I met when I was 35 and he was 40, and we have been friends for 22 years. I thought he was a wonderful person. I did not think of him as a potential mate or lover, but just as a friend whose company I truly enjoyed. I always felt safe with him and I still do. I remember waking up one night nearly ten years after we had met, sitting straight up in bed as if I had been struck by a bolt of lightning, and exclaiming out loud, “Oh, Shit! I’m in love with him!” I was very angry with God, thinking that this was very cruel. I kept it to myself.
He was placed in a position that was not really suited to him, but he was good at raising money and that’s what they wanted. I watched him as he was pressured and attacked. It was an unhealthy situation, and I became very angry, seeing him abused like that. After he had two episodes of atrial fibrillation, requiring defibrillation to restore regularity to his heartbeat, I spoke up and said, “Enough is enough!” They would have killed him. It didn’t seem to matter to them that he was being exploited and was under great pressure.
Just after he turned 50, he came to visit for a day, and we took a walk along the beach. He was talking about marriage, saying that people couldn’t be expected to be held to decisions that they made at the age of 20, when they had not had much experience with life. I said to him, reflectively, honestly and with no particular motivation, that the same could be said of priests. And then, all of a sudden, I was being verbally attacked by a person who had always been kind and supportive to me. He told me that I gave my power away. I was stunned and saddened, turned away and began to cry. I had unintentionally hurt him, and I knew that it was really he who had given away his power.
Later that day, while driving, I caught his eye in the rear view mirror. “It’s real,” I said. “Tough,” he replied. These are the exact words we used; we really didn’t speak of this feeling of love between us. When he responded with “tough”, I sensed this is how he had been treated when growing up when he experienced something emotionally painful, i.e., “be tough and get over it.” Emotions such as love were unimportant and many men are told to be tough. I knew we were not going to discuss this even though he had just flown over a 1,000 miles to see me for a day, when I had told him the ball was in his court, meaning he would decide what would come next. He came, and then he got afraid. Any way I will never forget that two word exchange. And “tough”, turned out to be one of the greatest understatements that I have ever heard in my life. I was hard to understand, to process, and to live with, at that time I wanted to talk about what had upset him so much, and he didn’t want to go there. I never asked him to leave the priesthood or to be with me. I was concerned about his unhappiness with his life and about his being treated so badly. Months later he told me that I was making him question everything, to which I replied, “Good!” I was thinking that questioning and reflection are healthy and good, especially when one is unhappy.
One day, out of the blue, he said, “Don’t you know that if things had been different we would have had a bunch of rug-rats by now?” Actually, I didn’t know. The question took me by surprise, and I thought it was terribly unfair of him to put a hook in my heart and yank it like that.
Later that same day, he told me that “our relationship was brief, meaningful and intermittent.” That actually made me very angry because he made it sound like an affair, and we did not have an affair. Maybe he thought he was being thoughtful and letting me know that, in some way, I was special to him, but I thought it was extremely disrespectful. The reality was that we had always had a very respectable relationship. I suddenly realized that he was getting a lot of static because of his relationship with me. The whole situation was sad.
Later that year he told me that he had made his “decision”, he didn’t say about what, we really didn’t speak openly about it, but I knew he meant about being a priest, again I was surprised because I didn’t even know it was a consideration, was so surprised and hurt I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Well, at least you got the opportunity to make a decision.” He had entered the seminary at the age of 12, having a choice at that age really wasn’t and option. I was thinking to myself that I never asked him to leave—we never even had that kind of relationship. As far as I was concerned, we would have had to become acquainted in another way before we could have even considered such a thing. As time went by, it got to be uncomfortable, and I finally decided that the kindest thing would be to go away and leave him alone, for I had become a problem, and the last thing I wanted to do was to add to his problems.
Eight years passed; he is now 62 years old and I, 57. I really can’t say why, but I wanted to see him. Over the years I had looked for news about him, what was going on in his life and how he was doing. I was saddened as I saw how he had aged. They had broken him. When he saw me sitting in the pews during Mass I could see his face and eyes looking back at me, not quite sure at first if it was really me. After all, I had aged too. After Mass, as I shook his hand, I could see how happy he was to see me. I was stunned by the flood of emotions that I experienced. At first, I was angry. His body and spirit were broken, as I had feared would happen. But I was so very glad to see him again. I had forgotten how nice it was to be near him.
A few weeks later we had coffee after Mass. Conversing with him, I was stunned as I realized how immature he was. My thought was that they had not only clipped his wings sexually, but emotionally as well. After all, he went into the seminary at the age of 12. I sincerely believe that leaving the priesthood would thrust him into a world about which he really knows very little and with which is ill prepared to cope. I do love him, absolutely. I have never loved anyone like this in my life. I love him as much as I love myself. I want what is best for him.
Here is my reflection about the priestly sexual scandals being revealed in today’s world. You don’t have affairs with people you love. Affairs are not” loving”. They are exploitive, the opposite of “loving”. Does he love me? Yes, in his own fashion I know that he does. Will we ever be together? Most likely not. Time and time again I have watched him run away whenever he gets scared, and now that I see his immaturity I understand that better. Would I ask him to leave the priesthood? No, I would not, and honestly I never would have, had it gotten to the point where I felt that he was actually considering it. I know I would have challenged him more than his fellow priests did. I’ve always understood how difficult it would be for him and wouldn’t want him to do anything to hurt himself in any way.
This love is genuine. For me, it has been long, enduring and meaningful. Would I marry him if he asked me? Let’s just say, he might find that it wouldn’t be that simple. We would have to spend some time together with him out of the priesthood for me to even get to the point where I MIGHT consider marriage with him. If we did marry it would be very nice and difficult at the same time. I think he would always feel conflicted inside, but we both light up when we are around each other; no one has ever made me feel happier, and more beautiful. Even as I grow old, it seems as though I am not older in his eyes, it is the reflection of our inner beauty that makes us light up. I remember many years ago, late Christmas night after the day was done, I called him and his line was busy, because he was calling me.
I have written this, intending that it should be posted. It is important. Many simply do not understand the dynamics. Since my experience has spanned so many years, there is a depth and insight that may be of help to others, especially women.
I was lucky in many ways because I was not exploited.
I have been examining this relationship quite a bit. Looking back, perhaps I should have taken a stronger stand, but I felt that he needed to make his own choices, so I stepped back, not realizing the tremendous pressure that was put on him by his organization. They broke him, they broke his will and spirit to serve their purposes, and it breaks my heart to see how isolated he has become. His ministry to families is transparently a form of voyeurism—in some small way, it makes him feel connected to the world.
Truly loving him, for me began with forgiving him for being human, he runs away every time he doesn’t really know what to do. People project many things on priests, forgetting that they are human just like the rest of us. It creates a large gap between clergy and laity. And because I was so frightened for how I saw him being used to the point that it was impacting his health and well being. I began to pray for his protection, like I had never prayed before, at times I would suddenly start crying and I knew they were his tears, the tough ones he kept inside. I moved into a dimension of love I had never experienced before, it was not infatuation, or lust or even friendship it was a deep tie, where I actually cared for him as much as I cared for myself, I had never experienced it before, but I can tell you it is very profound.
I think that when priests find a woman/person that they can connect with, it is a blessing and unexpected joy. I sense that he has often struggled with how to handle his feelings and mine.
He feels an overwhelming responsibility to the priesthood. They educated him, and in many ways they are his family, but he is not happy being a priest. It is sad to watch him struggle with his sense of obligation to the commitment he made to the priesthood, especially now, as the number of priests dwindles.
I struggle with how to be an appropriate, loving and supportive presence to a human being whose emotional life is adrift. It’s as if he is on an iceberg, isolated in many ways, starving for affirmation and for a sense of belonging.
In the journey of life we walk alongside of others, and at times we walk alone.
By the nature of my profession I want to alleviate suffering. I learned long ago that that isn’t always possible. Sometimes all that one can do is to be there. I have no answers, just my story and my insights. I hope it will be of some help to others. I am glad to have a place to write it down to say the things we never said out loud, to acknowledge that it is Real…this is my gift to him.
I fell in love with my parish priest and kept my feelings hidden for a long time (close to 2 years), prayed to God to please take them from me as I knew it was pointless and fruitless, but the heart won out over the head time and time again. I told myself my feelings could not be sinful, yet I still suffered great pain. My heart ached and longed for his presence. He was to me the perfect man, possessing all the qualities I had ever wanted, problem was he wore a Roman Collar. His kindness, friendliness, charm and wit overwhelmed my very soul. I knew I was in trouble. We had similar working class and ethic backgrounds, same sense of humor. We worked in several ministries together and he counseled me a few times, but nothing inappropriate ever happened. At times I caught him gazing at me, and I could not get over feeling that perhaps he had also felt attracted. I felt he truly appreciated my kindness and love of the Catholic faith. At our last counseling session (there were a total of 3) I told him how much I admired him and how much I appreciated his kindness, help and compassion and also how sad I and several others would be should he be transferred. I gave him a small token that said “You are Loved” a general, not personal, acknowledgement of how all of us at the parish felt for him as a priest and shepherd of our church. But of course, I am sure he sensed I had very personal feelings. He acted very awkward almost like a school kid. I gave him a really big hug and held on for a long time---he did not push me away though.
Not two weeks later he made the announcement at mass that he was being transferred, and very, very far away too. Coincidence? I remember my knees buckling under me and I felt like I was going to faint. I was absolutely devastated, went home and wrote him a very long letter revealing my feelings, which I personally handed to him the next day in the sacristy after daily mass. This later proved to be a big mistake for my emotional and spiritual well-being. At the time though I wanted the burden off my heart, but instead I just put it on him. Earlier that year he had helped me with my annulment, and when I handed him that letter in a sealed envelope (he must have sensed it was personal) he said "I hope you find yourself a real nice man".
I knew I should have run away from such intense feelings. He never once led me on or did anything inappropriate, but after having been extremely friendly to me prior to this, he suddenly backed off, which did indeed hurt me very much. That marvelous smile of his never came my way again.
He never acknowledged that letter, my feelings, any future emails, birthday or holiday wishes. He simply dropped all communication. For almost 2 months I looked in the mail for a thank you note, as I gifted him with money and homemade prayer cards when he left. What a fool I was. (Other priests that have left always sent thank you notes to me for gifts--I just couldn't believe he didn't even have the common courtesy to do this) I was devastated. When other family and work problems came into my life later on, I asked for his prayers but he never answered me. This killed me.
I will never ever know if he ever felt any tender feelings for me…and yes I did want just a tiny piece of his heart. I was terribly lonesome and had gone through a lot of rejection and heartache in my life. I miss him terribly. I suppose I will always hold feelings for him. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through and I feel like he died.
I chose my words very carefully in that letter, as I did not want to offend in any way. Henry, as a former priest, how do you think my letter might have been received?
(You can see more of this discussion on the blog under "Women Who Love Priests".
The man I was involved with left the priesthood and still could not get himself emotionally together. I have spent too long talking with other women who have been involved with priests, too long reading testimonies from women, and far too long observing the behavior of men in the priesthood to accept that there is not a psychological profile that fits probably a majority of men in the Catholic priesthood.
Lucy, the guy you were involved with was an emotionally damaged individual who acted like he was a frightened teenage boy. He was not a mature grown up man – that is why he fled. He had a “crush” on you and then ran away – what would be, about 14 year old behavior? Sounds about right to me. This is only one aspect of what their lives do to them. Fleeing situations is typical of many of them. For someone on here to refer to you and him as “holy” because of this result would be hilarious if it were not more accurately a tragic denial of this retarded way of behaving.
The problem for women is that they have to deal with these emotionally retarded guys who flee at the first sign of having to admit any involvement in a relationship. Lucy is not by any means alone in her experience – pity the women whose relationships have advanced to sex and pregnancy and then get abandoned by these emotionally immature scaredy-cats. This abandonment is often done with the support of the church in the person of the bishop.
You asked for women who have had experience with involvement with priests to come on here and express opinions and I am trying to give you that. Priests ought to know and learn that there is enormous responsibility that goes along with an emotional relationship with a woman – especially one that goes on for some time. You shouldn't just flirt and flee.
Penny
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